Pleasure Mode

I made monumental progress today.

When I went to therapy after work, I didn’t talk about work at all.

Did I work pretty much right up until the minute that I had therapy? Yes.

That’s one of the benefits/pitfalls of working from home and going to therapy on a computer.

But it wasn’t until we were right about to hop off of the call that I looked my therapist in the eye and said,

“Aren’t you proud of the fact that I didn’t mention work at all today?”

The reason I was so proud of this is because my day job has been taking up so much of my capacity mentally and emotionally.

The past two months I’m sure that part of my repeated flareups with my own chronic illnesses on top of pneumonia is deeply related to the stress & pressure I’m under at work.

So a lot of times, I do need to vent about the boundaries that are being crossed, about the injustice and frustrations of my situation.

And also, we’ve had to establish 10 minute check-in’s because if I go too far down that rabbit hole, I don’t get to the stuff that I really need to talk about.

The deeper, terrifying, soul truths.

The fears, the traumas, the beliefs, the learned survival skills and defense mechanisms and how they affect my quality of life every day.

But not today.

I had a rough encounter with one of my former caregivers (a true narcissist, not a buzzword).

Then I had a series of flashbacks after a friend described their recent trauma without checking in on my capacity to hold it — and to own my part, I didn’t uphold my boundary of speaking up even though I knew I couldn’t hold it.

And then not one, not two, but THREE people who hurt me in the past contacted me.

All of this in the past two days. Less than 30 hours from one event to five that jolted my nervous system.

Do you know what happened right before all of that?

I had my first self-care Sunday that was so juicy and delicious and luxurious, and I had never spent that much time playing and resting all in one day.

Never.

I painted, played with food, sat in the sun in MY backyard with my animals, colored, meditated - twice(!!), watched tv, did a nice gentle yoga flow, took a bubble bath, had an orgasm (or two), and filmed my first ever Chaotic Cooking with Charli video (which was SO MUCH FUN OMG).

It may sound like a lot of “doing,” but the thing is, I didn’t plan any of it.

I spent the entire day - minute by minute - listening to my body.

Asking her what she needs.

Asking them what they want.

Laying down when I wanted to.

Resting and playing and resting and playing.

I was in Pleasure Mode ( instead of Hustle Mode).

I also had a beautifully restoring soul call on Sunday morning with a group of humans who are just straight up magical.

Do you know what came after those icky, painful events?

I had a lovely, soul-nourishing call with another group of amazing humans and made a drawing with all the names of my soul people.

Yes, I have a blood family. But I fit with them about as well as a dragon fits in with a bunch of hedgehogs.

You know… We have shared history and a shared sense of humor, but I’m the only one willing to start a fire if it’s the only way to rise from the ashes.

I’m the only one willing to get burned.

These people — they’re mine. I love them and they love me. The more love I pour into them, the more they pour into me. And vice versa.

I focused on their love. Giving and receiving it. And took extra care of myself.

By the time I got to therapy — feeing quite physically sick AGAIN & after a helluva few days, I listened to my body again.

I listened to her LOUD & CLEAR.

And I didn’t talk about work.

Hi, I’m Charli. A recovering workaholic & aspiring pleasure seeker.

👋🏻

P.S. My therapist said yes. They were in fact VERY proud of me and more importantly, so am I.