Duality, Mack Trucks & Signs From the Universe

I had such a beautiful moment of clarity this week. A moment that I didn’t even realize how badly I needed it until it happened.

An old friend reached out to reconnect after we’d left things on unfavorable terms a few years ago. I had pretty much accepted that I would never get closure when it came to this relationship.

There are only a few people who I would allow back in my life at this point & this person was close to top of the list.

So we chatted for a bit on Thursday, the conversation flowing with just a few hiccups, and I felt myself getting excited to see them again. Underneath the excitement, there was a bit of nerves and apprehension too, and moments when I realized I didn’t feel so good about reconnecting.

It took a long time for me to get to a place where I valued myself and my time, and a long time for me to realize what I bring to friendships and the type of friend that I am.

So I noticed the flags that popped up anytime we touched on something sensitive and how they would pivot in the conversation and dismiss any attempt to go deeper. I thought to myself that for now, that was OK. I was glad to reconnect and for now, that was enough.

We made plans to get together on Friday and since it’s rare that I have people over to my house, I had to prepare my space for a visitor.

You see, my house is my sanctuary now, a place that I’ve carefully cultivated after leaving my ex. After leaving behind the part of my life that thrived in survival mode. It’s become a place where my personality can be expressed and where I can feel safe. So inviting someone over is not a small thing for me.

As I tried to sleep on Thursday night, I felt the excitement bubble up inside of me like a kid going to Disneyland. I couldn’t believe that we had reconnected, that we would finally get a chance to clear the air. After all, this person was someone who made a huge impact on my life.

They were one of the first people who really showed me that what I accepted from my ex was far below what I deserved. They were one of the first people to show outrage at the treatment I was receiving, and deep, tender care for me. At the time, that was revolutionary. Foreign and difficult to accept, but revolutionary nonetheless.

Underneath the excitement, there was something else, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep, and felt nervous energy building in my bones. As much as I wanted to see them and reconnect, there was also a part of me that didn’t. That didn’t trust it. That worried that, after the way we left things, this person would hurt me again.

Because for all of the wonderful aspects of our friendship before, this person also lied to me multiple times. But I’m stronger now, and I trusted myself to be able to navigate and decide if this was something that would last longer than a visit to catch up and clear the air.

And then Friday came, and I met with a client and all the while felt the worry building in my stomach. My body was at war with my head, telling me something was off. Something was wrong.

The time came for us to meet and they didn’t show. They didn’t respond to my messages.

Were they OK? Did something happen? Or maybe they just fell asleep because they were working super early that day.

Were they ghosting me?

Had the day before been a joke?

A way for them to pass the time?

But as the time passed, and they didn’t reach out, it settled in. I was frustrated and disappointed, and I sent them a message saying maybe another time.

Even though a million different thoughts and possibilities passed through my mind, I didn’t assume one way or another why they disappeared.

After all, I’d had multiple experiences with them in the past where they would disappear for hours and days at a time, and because I’m not that person anymore, because I’m stronger, because I’m more confident in who I am, and my ability to love on my humans, I didn’t take it personally.

Ten minutes after my last message, after they were already 30 minutes late, they sent me a picture of an accident involving a Mack truck.

And I was reminded that as I was getting ready to see them that morning, after just a few hours of sleep, I didn’t feel good. My stomach was hurting and I wondered if I should cancel. I didn’t want to, because I was really excited. And also, my body was speaking pretty clearly that something was not right.

So when they let me know that they were in an accident, and they told me that everyone was fine, they also responded to my message and tried to guilt trip me for saying maybe I would see them another time.

But I’m stronger now. I won’t let anyone gaslight me into not having feelings, to tell me that I’m not allowed to feel the way I feel. Or to dismiss the duality of emotions.

That’s something that I see a lot in my coaching clients and something I had to learn the hard way.

There’s this misconception that we can’t feel disappointed and frustrated and also care about someone else’s experience.

But that’s just not true.

So when they reached out and refused to answer questions about the accident, but instead tried to make me feel bad for saying that I would see them another time? I let it go. I let the whole thing go. I told them that my response was not inaccurate. I hadn’t heard from them and they weren’t coming AND that I hoped that they were OK. And then they disappeared again.

It wasn’t until a few hours later, after talking things through with my friends who knew the rollercoaster of emotions that I went through in anticipating meeting with this friend again, that I realized that the signs were all there.

The uncomfortable hiccups in our conversation?

The difficulty I had when sleeping?

The pit of nausea that had formed in my stomach leading up to when we were supposed to meet?

All the subtle signs of the Universe telling me that this was not going to happen. That this was not my best next step.

And as I tell my clients – sometimes when we don’t pay attention to the small signs, the Universe comes through like a Mack truck with a sign that we can’t ignore.

This time? It was a LITERAL Mack truck.

I don’t know whether I will hear from them again, but that’s OK. In fact, there’s a part of me that recognizes that maybe this brief rekindling of our friendship was just the right amount of closure that I needed.

Because the thing is – when this person was in my life a few years back, and I was still entangled in an abusive relationship?

When I still believed that I didn’t deserve good, that I didn’t deserve to be loved, that I was here to be used by other people?

That person was a light at the end of the tunnel.

The way that they treated me was so incredibly tender and loving, and while that was uncomfortable and foreign, it sparked something inside of me that helped me recognize that there was more out there.

That I deserved more. That I deserved better.

And now? The “better” that they offered is not the standard that I’m willing to accept.

The rekindling that was possible? That would’ve come at a cost to my own peace? I’m not open to it anymore.

I’m not open to drama. I’m not open to mind games. And I’m certainly not open to someone who will guilt trip me for having feelings when they don’t show up and give radio silence. And that’s a beautiful thing.

I’m stronger now. And thanks to a Mack truck sized sign from the universe, I’ve been able to make peace with another chapter of my past.